Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Between career and motherhood

Received some not-so-good news (career wise) from my supervisor that fateful Monday. It upset me to the core. Upset not only in being sad but in being angry as well.

Told myself after an hour or two to just forget about it. You can't really argue with management's decisions after all.

Was talking to my mum about it after two days. She made one statement :-Do not ever let your supervisor know that you do not have the heart to leave your son to go for overseas business trips, even though it may last from 2 weeks to 1 month. Coz no matter how good motherhood or marriage may be, seeing your colleagues advance faster that you cannot make up for the frustration you will feel.

It doesn't feel that way right now. And although I do not really want to hear that, I can see the truth behind the remark.

So career or parenthood.....

Is it ever a choice?

Monday, April 28, 2008

New clothes unfold

Rumaged through his bag of "too-big-for-him" clothes and found half of them are now just right to be worn! One of them had to be thrown into the "too-small-for-him" bag and some into the "return-to-initial-owner" plastic bag...

Children grow ever so quickly.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Learning to forgive....

I was not prepared.

Boyboy has become very active these days. I no longer can leave him alone outside his cot for one second. My eyes have to be a constant watch.

I was not prepared.
Boyboy fell and bumped his head.

I took for granted.

He has been having a bad cough recently and I thought perhaps Chinese medincation would be easier on him and help make his well faster. Called my babysitter and she recommended something. She also recommeded I take him to the Chinese medicine doctor.
The shop my babysitter asked me to go was closed.
I went to another shop.
The "Chinese doctor" there prescribed the same medicine.
I checked if it was OK for 7 mth olds.
He said yes.
I was jolly well happy....

His cough got worse.
Sent him to babysitter this morning.
She told me that the dosage recommended was wrong for 7 mth olds. I should have gone to see the Chinese doctor she recommended to get the right dosage.
I feel I have 'poisoned' my child.
He woke up every 2 hours Sunday night coughing.
I didn't sleep much....he didn't sleep much.
And he was suffering.

I took for granted.
I thought I could medicate him myself.

I feel like a totally lousy mum.

Being a parent is not easy.
The hard part is not only about character building.
It is about making sure they are healthy and happy.

A messy house and chores not done have to accepted.
I have to learn not to think about the washed clothess lying in the washing machine for about 1 hour now.
I have to accept the place is in a mess and the dishes and cups are not washed.

Coz when accidents happen, it is harder to accept the blame.
Self blame and external blame.

And it is harder still to forgive myself.

I cannot forgive myself for what boyboy had to go through this weekend becuase of me.
But I have to....
Not for my own sake.
For his.

Today is not a good day.
I pray the week will get better.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

New toys!

Previously, all boyboy could do was this sit on the bed/bumbo seat and play with his toys

Now, he has a new toy that has made him FREE !

Initially he was trying to get his legs coordinated with the movement. What happened was when he pushed his body forward, he found that he can move...but his legs did not know how to catch up!

But now, he has leant to move when the walker moves. Movement is more back than front as of now.

Max time allowed in walker - 15 minutes.
With this new walker, I cannot take my eyes of him for ONE minute. He will wheel around and start touching things at semi-ground level! Relieve only comes in one way - at least I do not have to support his constant demend to stand with my arms and body anymore!

Other things we bought at the babyland sale...Tommee Tippee roll and go bib! it was on sale at RM19.90 less 20%! Had no intentions of getting a plastic bib at first...but at that price, couldn't resist. In the long run, it would be cheaper than getting more hankies and velcro bibs!
The foldable baby chair was given to me by my uncle. A little old considering 3 kids have used it but will do for now!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Was there ever a time?

Was there ever a time when you really felt your heart break?
Was there ever a time when you cried till you had no more tears?
Was there ever a time when you hurt so bad that you thought dying was the only escape?
Was there ever a time when you drank yourself drunk to shut out your mind and heart?
Was there ever a time when you walked and walked and wanted to walk away?
Was there ever a time when you were so angry that you literally felt you were killing some cells?
Was there ever a time when you were so disappointed the brightest sun seemed more a nuisance?
Was there ever a time when you got so upset you cried out to God like you have never before?
Was there ever a time when you were so scared that you wanted to shrink as small as possible?
Was there ever a time you were so anxious that you could not even think straight?

Was there ever a time when you felt so proud of your achievements?
Was there ever a time when you felt so understood and loved?
Was there ever a time you felt so cheeky and flirtatious and happy?
Was there ever a time when you felt your heart could no longer contain the amount of love?
Was there ever a time when you felt your heart was in your hand and belonged only to the other?
Was there ever a time you were so grateful that you wished you give them back the world?
Was there ever a time when you were genuinely touched by an act or word?
Was there ever a time when you felt so contented you could die at that very moment happy?
Was there ever a time when you were satisfied with the outcome - Nothing better could be done?
Was there ever a time you felt so much peace and calm that nothing could have perturbed you?

Calling home

I called a friend that day and realised that he was overseas on a meeting.
I went home to my inlaws for dinner and realised that my bother in law was in China for a presentation.

Be it marketing, management or even like me, a software implementor, travelling overseas is not uncommon anymore. The business world is borderless. No one can ever be confined to the borders of their Identity Card anymore.

For me as a mother, it is very hard to be away from my husband and kid. I gave up my previous job when the travelling started to become too frequent. When I was away from home, my prepaid phone card only lasted me a day or two. And I would have to consciously think of all that I wanted to say before I called to avoid wasting money on empty talk!

This current job I am holding also requires me to travel, but to a lessor extent. Everytime I travel, I thank God for 2 things-the phone and the internet. In New York, I would make a beeline to phone companies to get a phonecard! Calling home now a days is so much easier. And thanks to these phonecard companies, the rates to call home are getting more and more competitve and somewhat cheap!

So the next time you or any of your loved ones travel, remember to check out the phonecards available and make the distance closer! Then maybe all of us can still have a high flying (literally) career!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Look at me! I'm 7 months old!

OK....mummy has got me all posing..... I wonder what's up?
Oh.....daddy has got that small black thing out again. Time for some flash and fun!

Hmmm....wonder what we have today?

Hope it's not anything sour. Let me give it a try....

(Gave him pumpkin and sweet corn....his first combination food. I tried this combination myself and didn't like it actually....but boyboy finished it in 5 minutes!)

And other pictures of me !!
(Only one hour plus and boyboy's hair has started to curl out already! Sorry dearie, looks like you have to accept the fact that boyboy inherited all our natural curls!)

AND Look!!
I can stand on my head....
With my thumb still in my mouth!



The view sure is great standing!

(Boyboy has taken to wanting to stand most of the time.
Good or bad? Is this a sign he will be walking soon?)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

How do we get there?

OK, imagine this....

First of all....you drive.
You are at home now but need to get somewhere you have only been to once or twice.

Would you plan your journey there or just get into the car and drive?
Reckon this method is driven purely by instinct....

Would you imagine your route from your home to the detination, the landmarks and the turnings?


Would you imagine your destination and then map the roads backwards to your home?

Give yourself several moments to think about this and several examples of places.

As for me, I usually break my journey into a few landmarks starting from my my last familiar place from home. From home to the landmark in my mind, I can drive by instinct, usually coz I use the roads every other day. But from the landmark to my destination, I actually map out in my mind the roads I need to take.

Strange as it is, in KL, there are detours sometimes and as soon as I encounter a detour, my mind needs to program a new route before I weave in and out of traffic confidently. Thankfully it takes me only a few minutes to re-route my mind map. I don't want to be labelled as one fo those lady drivers who don't know how to drive after all! :)

That is why I find driving a wee bit tiring sometimes....

But generally I love landmarks and finding my way around. I love looking at maps and finding out where this and that place is. I love linking roads together and mapping them in my mind. I generally believe I have a good sense of direction.

Do you find driving tiring? Would you rather be driven? How does your mind work?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A heartbreak....unfinished

I looked at him as he slept. He lay sprawled at the head of the bed. It must have been a deep and dreamless sleep for his expression was of nothingness. But what did I expect, after such a long talk it was only me who had to bear the assault of the intense mixture of emotions. His stand in the relationship was clear. He was in it for the companionship, no strings attached. He had no misgivings of intimacy, with no boundaries except to avoid the obvious circumstances, a typical modernized male view. So, clearly, there was nothing that was on his mind that could keep sleep at bay.

I continued to sit hugging my knees at the corner of the bed. I struggled to smolder the small flame of hope still burning in the depth of my heart, chiding myself sternly. I wanted to sleep too if only to shut out any more emotions that kept bursting through my heart’s door. But I could not bear the thought of accidentally touching any part of this man whom I had grown to love. I was afraid that he would hug me and continue to sleep oblivious to the fact that I no longer held the same view as he did in our relationship.

I looked at him again. He was there right in front of me but I felt like I had already lost him. I had lost the best friend I could ever have. How was it possible to have a person physically in front of you and yet not feel him at all in your heart. Even an acquaintance would be able to leave a stronger presence of themselves. Yet with him, I felt nothing.

The last few months of our studies were glorious. Both of us had just gone through bad breakups and found solace in each other’s company. It was surprising how easy we could talk about life, relationships, dreams and fears. We bared our hearts and there were no secrets that we held back. We spent evenings taking long walks and sitting in parks talking. We were always talking. It was like we wanted the other person to know everything as soon as possible. We revealed things that we never told anyone else. There was no fear that judgment would follow when all things were said and done.

There was a night we sat by the beach side watching the waves crash upon the seashore. We both loved the sea because it came and took away anything unclean on the beach. And no matter how much crap it swallowed, it always came back clean and renewed. We both sat side by side in comfortable silence. Then I edged behind him and hugged him from behind, resting my head against the small of his back. He let me sit this way for a while then got up abruptly and walked away. I was surprised by the sudden movement and watched him quizzing.

He told me quietly that he never knew how it felt like to be hugged. A face-to-face hug was normal giving comfort equally to both parties. However, a hug from the back was hugely significant. It signifies a giving from the hug-er to the hug-ee. The effect of such a hug provides security, love and protection. That was why he always hugged his girlfriend from the back whenever he could. But never in his 7 years of being with her did she ever hug him back that way.

The wave of emotions overtook his whole being leaving him immobilized. And only when he could rein in his feelings did he realize that he could not allow me to sacrifice myself any longer.

He had considered my hug an act of sacrifice and on hindsight I should have realized then that he was not ready to accept love. There was one month more before our finals and we studied together, motivated each other with rewards of long walks in the evening and quiet dinners. We did not question our feelings. It was no point trying to label the relationship we were sharing. If there was a thin fine line differentiating friends from lovers, we were both having one foot on the left side of the line and the other foot on the right side. But it worked well for us. Our main focus was to study hard and just enjoy each other’s company.

Exams came and went. The semester was drawing to a close. Our hometowns were far apart and we knew that we would both need to come to terms with what we were sharing. Yet we both remained silent, not wishing to discuss what might be.

My journey home was a day earlier than his. We separated with no goodbyes. We would meet again. He was sure of that. As I turned around, he put a letter in my hand.

I found a job as soon as I returned home and was soon too busy meeting deadlines. He continued his studies after taking a one month break. In such circumstances, separate paths were inevitable and the gap between us widened.

That was one year ago.

The room was too small, there was no place to wander or even sit comfortably except for the king size bed that filled the entire room. I contemplated leaving the room and going for a walk outside but the night air was chilly and it was dark and I was indeed tiring out.
I lay down, curled up at the corner where I sat. In my subconscious I told myself to sleep this way the whole night, not to pull any of the blanket on which he lay on or stretch my legs in case I kicked his. Sleep overcame me without hesitation....

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What would you do?

If you knew you were going to die soon....

Who would you leave your money to? Why?
Would you want your partner to remarry again?
Would you set any clause or make your partner promise you anything?

My colleague and I were talking about this today....this is my take.

I would leave some money to my husband and create a fund for my kid(s) with my husband as custodian until they are 21. I don't think I will give everything to my husband in case some witch seduces him and makes him spend all the money on her! hahaha....

Sorry dearie, you know women and their power lah!

My colleague is of similar opinion.
However, another of her friend says she will leave all her savings to her parents. Reason being they have taken care of her and educated her. Her husband should be able to take care of himself! However, given....she doesn't have kids!

Second question....
IF (and ONLY IF) my husband meets a woman who will treat our kids well and will make my husband happy, yes, I want him to marry her.

My colleague is afraid of this issue about stepmothers! Reckon we have been poisoned too much when we were young or have been exposed to too many Chinese dramas.

I did not think of any clause at first...but now come to think of it I would want him to make sure my kids still treat my parents as grandparents. Because for my parents, that would be the only link they have of me. And grandchildren are such joy to the old folks, after all.

So, what are your thoughts?

One day short of 7 months

Christopher can now sit up by himself (handsfree) at 6 and a half months.

Previously he had to support himself with his hands and therefore could do no 'damage'!
Now he can SUCK all he wants and still sit up.

Though his head is still too big for his body.
And he still likes to look at his feet instead of the world around him!

He loves the clapping of hands and tries to imitate with no sound emititing...but at least the action is almost there!

He recognises his name (I think) and tries to turn around when we call him.

Still a bushy head of hair and a wonderfully melting smile!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Some quizzes that quizzed me!

Your Personality is Somewhat Common (ISFJ)

Your personality type is stubborn, conservative, trustworthy, and caring.

About 13% of all people have your personality, including 18% of all women and 7% of all men

You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Judging.

Note : Results quite true....totally stubborn!!!

And here is another one....

You Are 35% Left Brained, 65% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Note : I am not too sure about these results. Seems like I like dogs alot too and reading! But I guess I do love philosophy as well and my dosage of outdoor activity!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's just a phase, it's just a phase

It's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase .......

Mind me having to repeat it again and again.....I need to convince myself that this is so.

Boyboy has been having tantrums of late. We feel it especially at night since we can never have a proper night's sleep.

He will wake up every 2-3 hours. It has been happening for the pass 4 nights now! And he will cry and cry, push and pull, squirm and arch...

Pacifying is literally un-workable.

I am hoping this is a phase. I am thinking he is starting to teeth but I don't feel anything at all.

There was no concrete reason for his fever which is gone now (thank God).
Is there any reason at all for his tantrums?

On the lighter side...
He tried barley on Saturday and loved every drop of it. Fininshed his 2 oz within 3 hours...in between his milk and water!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Shout To The Lord

Anyone saw American Idol Gives Back last night (Msia time)?

It pushed my Grey's Anatomy back a whole full hour (and so I missed it in the end).

Also, the contestants did a Hillsong - Shout To The Lord.

When it came on, I put down the book I was reading, hubby came out of the room carrying a much bewilded boyboy.

Talk about songs from all eras and genre! It felt good....

On the bewilded side....

Little one has been having fever for 2 days now. Rather high at 38 above. Babysitter diagnosed it as perhaps fake measles (or medically known as Roseola).

We will have to wait and see....nothing will confirm that it is unless we see some rashes soon.

Until then it is uphamol, sponging and multiple wake ups at night to check on him. His appetite is poor (very very poor in fact), he is ever so restless and totally requires pampering.

I have reached a point where I am no longer anxious....just praying for comfort for boyboy and that this illness will run its quickest course.

Perhaps I am tired...or perhaps I just understand motherhood now.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Plagued by nightmares

Of late (actually more or less since the last few months of my pregnancy) I have been having nightmares.

The last few months of my pregnancy were of course dreams about the labour. On bad days I would have nightmares of losing my unborn son. Reckon the article I read about 2 robbers kicking a 7 month pregnant lady in a Shell petrol station causing her a miscarriage is rooted deeper than I thought in my memory!

Of late my nightmares have resulted in me waking up sweating. I actually wake up feeling terrified. More often than not, my nightmares concern me being in danger of something and trying to find a way out. Sometimes, I would have to kneel by the side of the bed to pray that this heavy forbearance would be lifted off me and that some resemblance of peace will fill me and give me a few more hours of sleep.

So, no bad news for me. Don't think I can take anymore sleepless nights. And this time, it's not because of the kid!


Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Science Affair

Met the faces behind all the syncronyms at last – JLow (and hot mummy!), MummyYeoh & family, Mommykin & family and Leah & kids. All 9 adults and 8 kids.

It was a great day. Time really passed by fairly quickly.

We arrived at 10.15 or thereabouts. Had to get boyboy ready and eaten (always blame it on him now!) so that he will smile, smile, smile at all the new friends he was going to meet!

The first person we met from afar was Mommykin running after her 2 sons! Oohhh….I had first taste of how it would be like to take care of running-sons! What with Leah and her 3 boys and Mommykin and her 2 boys!!! THEN I met the much talked about hot mummy and of course hot mummy’s daddy – JLow!

OK Jlow, got to say, you aren’t that bad yourself! J

We romped around the Butterfly Enclosure for a while. It has indeed been a long time since I have been into a butterfly enclosure. It was a reminiscence of my holiday in Cameron Highlands.

About 1 hour into the affair, we made our way inside to the aquarium and science centre proper.

It was a break from the warm-ish weather. And it was great! I can’t wait for boyboy to get bigger so that I can bring him there again and he can explore all the experiments. I have to brush up on my science so that I can answer all the Why? questions coming from boyboy (and daddy)!

Thanks to Leah who lent me her stroller for a while as hubby had to go off to work for a while and I had forgotten to bring down the stroller before he left. And thanks to Mommykin for all her effort, rushing around talking to each and every one of us.

I reckon the eating time was the BEST!

That was the first time all of us were really together within sight! Of course we had to get all the kids settled first and each kid wanted to choose the gourmet of their choice! There was homemade ABC spaghetti, potato salad and sandwiches, KFC and all its condiments and DRINKS ! Nice cool, wonderful, gassy drinks! This coming from 9 adults and 8 kids who had nothing to drink so far since we were too busy taking care of the running children!

The photos and names of some children have been ommitted since I am not sure of the level of privacy required!

A few opppsss (spills) started coming from left and right and centre….due to shaking hands seeing the gassy drinks (with ice what more) being poured and passed around. Each eager hand seemed to grab as politely as possible. Then out swooped a market pen from Mommykin to mark our names on our cups. Talk about experience!

Mommykin really put in so much thought and effort into this gathering !

What ever you would have needed in a party was there. Cool ice, Kickapoo!, great food, tissues, running water AND great company!

Given I didn’t get to talk much to Jlow (reckon he was shy! Haha) or Kin for that matter (she was being the perfect hostess), I am glad I managed to get a word in and two with MummyYeoh and Wong Foong, Mike and Leah.

One sad news was broken to me though….one which I still sigh upon remembrance now. My dates with Mommykin may be few and far apart in a few months time. Sigh…..but then they will not be a plane ride away…just a train ride away! Betcha I will be taking the train so often now! :)

And the final and (sob!sob!) most touching thing that happened was when Mommykin started dishing out gift packs for the kids…..AND then (sob!sob!) she gave me and hubby a present as well!

I was super surprised and very touched.
And when I went home, bathed, slept and woke up and opened the gift pack, I know at once this was a woman not to be reckoned with. The thought she had put into the packages was something no bought gift can ever repay.

Thanks for the photo frame, all the goodies, the little towels, ABC pasta in that cute little tupperware, babywipes, clothing, coffee break and MASK! Betcha I will be trying it soon!
Mike, thanks for all your effort in rushing around and getting things ready. Your patience and love is to be exampled. Your kids will grow up to be great boys with parents like you two!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Tubs and tubs

How many tubs of ice cream do you have in your freezer now?

Can you beat this? I have 4 tubs.

There is this promotion in Giant now where if you buy 2 tubs of King's ice cream, you will be given a small tub of imported ice cream free. And hubby bought himself 2 other boxes of ice cream. He loves his rum and raisin from Cremo (which can only be found in Giant as well!hmm....)

I am not that particular with the type of ice cream I get. Preferably of course I love my Bulla...but more often then not, I settle for a cheaper variety. So, Kings and Cremo are both alright with me (which is leaving huby frowning coz I am digging into his boxes as well).

There are 2 ranges of King's ice cream. The regular and the premium range.

The premium range consist of

1) Triple Chocolate (with Sunflower Seeds)Smooth Chocolate Ice Cream loaded with Crispy Chocolate coated Sunflower Seeds and Chocolate Fudge
2) Macadamia - Rich Vanilla Ice Cream with Honey Roasted Macadamia and Chocolate Chips
3) Cappuccino Chips - Rich & Creamy Cappuccino Ice Cream with lots of Chocolate Chips
4) Caramel Almond Fudge - Smooth Caramel Ice Cream laced with Luscious Chocolate Fudge & Crunchy Almonds
5) Tiramisu - Creamy Sicilian Ice Cream with Coffee Extract & Crunchy Almonds

And I have tried ALL of them!

For a person who does not like to really eat, I love my ice cream.

Then I discovered that Kings is from Singapore and they actually have wareouse sales for Kings in Singapore!

Look at the glorious pamphlete I managed to find! Just looking at it makes me droooolllll.....

Anyway....reckon Giant is still having the offer now. So, I am going to head over there again today or tommorrow.

I have managed to clear 2 boxes - 1 of mine and 1 of hubby's. So, I think I have space for 2+1 more....hehehehe....

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Disgusting? Perhaps. But necessary. Sometimes.

OK...the nature of my job dictates that there must at least be ONE person in the office to pick up calls.

So what happens when you are the one left behind.
Suddenly you feel the urge to poop.
You have constipation issues and when the urge comes, best to make full use of it.

Will the phone ring? Should I take the risk? Better go...else when the urge goes away then I will feel all sick inside!

So, into the toilet, down with the pants (yeah, I prefer my pants to my skirts!) and uuummmm.....

No baby, only poop...no inhibitations here!

How to help the tough intial part to get out so that the rest pushing inside can come out smoothly?

Answer - Use your fingers to press the right butt cheek right at the edge of the anus. You would actually be able to feel that it is harder there....you know the anatomy of the intestines being such! And if you do it just right, like toothpaste, you should be able to get the initial dried-up-due-to-lack-of-water-or-fibre-or-oil part OUT!

Then the rest will either come out smoothly or if due to lack of fibre that makes a long sausage, you can have temporary relief till the next clump of fibre attached poop knocks at the door!

Hope I won't be caught alone in office again then....

Disgusting? yes.
Necessary? Absolutely.

Cheerios to FINGERS ! :) Hope you have already eaten!