Sunday, April 27, 2008

Learning to forgive....

I was not prepared.

Boyboy has become very active these days. I no longer can leave him alone outside his cot for one second. My eyes have to be a constant watch.

I was not prepared.
Boyboy fell and bumped his head.

I took for granted.

He has been having a bad cough recently and I thought perhaps Chinese medincation would be easier on him and help make his well faster. Called my babysitter and she recommended something. She also recommeded I take him to the Chinese medicine doctor.
The shop my babysitter asked me to go was closed.
I went to another shop.
The "Chinese doctor" there prescribed the same medicine.
I checked if it was OK for 7 mth olds.
He said yes.
I was jolly well happy....

His cough got worse.
Sent him to babysitter this morning.
She told me that the dosage recommended was wrong for 7 mth olds. I should have gone to see the Chinese doctor she recommended to get the right dosage.
I feel I have 'poisoned' my child.
He woke up every 2 hours Sunday night coughing.
I didn't sleep much....he didn't sleep much.
And he was suffering.

I took for granted.
I thought I could medicate him myself.

I feel like a totally lousy mum.

Being a parent is not easy.
The hard part is not only about character building.
It is about making sure they are healthy and happy.

A messy house and chores not done have to accepted.
I have to learn not to think about the washed clothess lying in the washing machine for about 1 hour now.
I have to accept the place is in a mess and the dishes and cups are not washed.

Coz when accidents happen, it is harder to accept the blame.
Self blame and external blame.

And it is harder still to forgive myself.

I cannot forgive myself for what boyboy had to go through this weekend becuase of me.
But I have to....
Not for my own sake.
For his.

Today is not a good day.
I pray the week will get better.


HI said...

Aaww...I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Every mother has been through this. I onced put Olivia in the stroller when she was 10 months old and did not lock the wheels properly.

I went inside the house for a second just to get my jacket and the stroller rolled on it's own and overturned. Olivia bumped her head and we rushed to the hospital. Thank god she is ok.

You're a good mother, that's why you're feeling so bad. It's alright. ((HUGS))

A gift from God said...

Hey Ann,

Don't keep blaming yourself!! It's ok if boy boy fall..I felt bad too for the first few times..but sometimes..these little falls are unavoidable... It's part of growing up! Anyway..Reese just had a bruise and scratch on his forehead!! He fell right before our eyes yesterday at the shopping mall.. what can you do? nothing..just console the crying child and give him lots of hugs and kisses! As for the cough...blame the 'doctor' he is suppose to know the right's not your fault!...

Julie said...

I hope Christopher will get better soon.

We are learning to be a good mom and we will with God's guidance and His Words.

JLow said...

I know how you feel, cos I too am guilty of "neglect".

This was before Caitlin could walk. As you know I have been the one putting her to bed. After all the washing up, I used to put her on our bed to go brush my teeth. While most may think this is when she may have falled off the bed- it isn't, cos from an early age she already seem to know the dangers of height, insofar as stopping at edges.

She also used to like to "plop" her hands infront of her from a kneeling position, effectively ending up on all 4's, weight equally distributed front and back. I don't know why she liked doing that on our bed....

It was fine if she did this in the middle of our king sized bed, but this time she did it too close to the edge, or rather, I left her to close to the edge.

I had a cup of water for her (to sip / drink in the middle of the night if she wakes) so after leaving her on the bed I turned to put the cup on the dresser only some 7 feet away.

Turned to go back to her, and almost like slow-motion, I saw her plop her hands just-off-the-edge of the bed, lunged forward off the edge, went over and down head-first, landing on her forehead, legs and body up. Her momentum kept going. While headstanding, her head remained but her body continued forward and over, effectively tilting her head back further and further. Her legs crashed into the bedside chest / drawers, but that didn't stop her body still. Somehow, she landed on the floor on her back, snapping her head back to normal position off the floor.

She bawled like there was no tomorrow. I think she bawled for close to 30minutes. Lucky we have a carpet floor. She had carpet burn on her forehead, presumably from when her head snapped forward.

It didn't hit me till I was in the shower later that night, after she had calmed and went to sleep. It didn't hit me till later what had happened, how her neck could have so easily snapped, how she may have at least broken something, anything. I cried in the shower. I felt like shit. I was and am solely responsible for her, and I couldn't even ensure a simple safety issue like that.

Till today Hot Mummee doesn't know about this.

JLow said...

In fact, when I shared this with a lady friend, she said that her colleague, who also has a kid, couldn't find her kid but could still hear the crying.

Turns out the kid was wedged between the bed and the wall!

Happens to the best of us!

Ponytail said...

Hmm...maybe thats why the said, "Growing pains"...we feel sad and guilty but they still grow. You notice Zoe fell from Isaac's trike during SG happens here and there. I got used to it now and as long as she is ok, life goes on for me also...
People learn from mistakes, children too :p

andrewjune said...

well, i hope lil chris is doing better by now...perhaps try not to let him in an air-con room too much since he's coughing...
and pls dont thk you're poisoning your own son (OH NO!)...every mom wants the best for their kid(s) so we always come up with our BEST solution :-)

DoctorCabokia said...

I feel the same way whenever my son falls. I cry with him as well. I blame myself most of the time. All those accidents could have been prevented IF Daddy and Mummy have been more careful. But we can't always be there. Just continue to pray for God's protection upon them. Trust God to watch over them.

A church friend shared that her son fell countless time from the bed when he was a toddler. Now, he is in College. He is a very sensible young man. Another friend quipped that all the falling must have knocked some senses into his head.

Ann said...

Dear all,

Thanks so much for your kind words. There are things that we will get used to after a while - like boyboy falling ill.

So maybe his falling I will get used to after a while.

Baby Darren said...

i can totally understand how you feel. I was like you, blaming myself for everything that happened to our dear boy. Darren fell twice from bed and every time I felt so guilty and regret.

Somehow I feel that every mother will feel the same when the baby reaches about this age - as they start to grow more mobile - indicates more falls and accidents will happen..and we first time parents also have no experience. It is very common.

You are a good mom, that's why u feel this but no one can be perfect. Do expect more falls when he started walking and minor accidents here and there (like bruises/scratches). It is part of growing for them.

Moomykin said...

Oh, I so know how you feel. But you will both be happy again. There is still tomorrow.

This is why we are Mums.

With my boys, so many accidents have happened but every time it happens I still feel the pain, though not as helpless now.

Anonymous said...

chris feeling better by now?
hey, i totally understand how you felt, still i gotta tell you this, don't be so hard on yourself, yeah.

the doctor did say it's the right dosage, that's why you followed.

have a great weekend ahead, Ann. and by the way....chris is so cute!!!!!! saw his photos (the post after this), and he look so handsome in that light brown overall.