I asked a simple question in my head one day. It was a gloomy day that day, in my heart and mind. I saw people around me achieving so much more than me. Going places, gaining experiences, experiencing fine things, trying new things, getting rewards, basking in praises....in short just having it better than me.
I tried to seek consolation in that perhaps I am a good mum. But my kids were ruder than her's. I tried to find an identity, a role, anything that I can take solace in. And all that came to mind was "You are a child of God".
And still the question came easily to my mind "Is it (really) enough just being a child of God?"
If you never had to question yourself, your existence and your worth, that's great. It ain't fun at all working through such emotions. But I am glad I still cry.
God is seeing me through this. Only God can. And I can say with an outstanding 'YES' that indeed being a child of God is not only enough but the only identity I want to relate myself to.
God has seen me through 2 incidents which I want to remember.
When friends fail not only to lend a hand but they turn away from you.
Matthew 26:36-45 tells us about the time just before Jesus was betrayed. He asked his disciples to keep watch with Him. 2 times Jesus came back to find His disciples sleeping. Yet at the end of the day, Jesus was a comfort to his disciples. And He could be a comfort because He had an endless well of comfort given to Him. As a child of God, we can reach that stage where we can continuously draw comfort. That we may always be a comfort to everyone else. God gives us all the help and all the acceptance and all the friendship we will ever need.
My life is insignificant
As long as we remain faithful and do God's will, it doesn't matter what we get or don't get on earth. At the end of the day, we are all evaluated based on our faithfullness. Like Paul and his letters. It may have seemed a small act at that time. But the effect of it is lasting generations to come. So, as long as I am doing God's will for me on earth. Even though right now my kids may seem ruder than others. Even though I am not seeing places or experiencing new things. I have a peace because I know it is the place and the time that God has willed for me.
I am so glad I still cry. I listen to sermons and I still feel my heart move and tears fall down my cheek. I still feel the need to stand for an altar call. Just that day, while stilll struggling with everything in my heart, I heard this song by Don Moen 'I will Sing' from a CD I picked up to play in my car. And I started to cry and cry so much so I had to pull over. But today I hear the same song and I can sing it with an understanding and am reminded of God's peace.
So, I am very glad I still cry. In tears I begin to know God.