Thursday, December 1, 2011

I am glad I still cry....

I asked a simple question in my head one day. It was a gloomy day that day, in my heart and mind. I saw people around me achieving so much more than me. Going places, gaining experiences, experiencing fine things, trying new things, getting rewards, basking in short just having it better than me.

I tried to seek consolation in that perhaps I am a good mum. But my kids were ruder than her's. I tried to find an identity, a role, anything that I can take solace in. And all that came to mind was "You are a child of God".

And still the question came easily to my mind "Is it (really) enough just being a child of God?"

If you never had to question yourself, your existence and your worth, that's great. It ain't fun at all working through such emotions. But I am glad I still cry.

God is seeing me through this. Only God can. And I can say with an outstanding 'YES' that indeed being a child of God is not only enough but the only identity I want to relate myself to.

God has seen me through 2 incidents which I want to remember.

When friends fail not only to lend a hand but they turn away from you.
Matthew 26:36-45 tells us about the time just before Jesus was betrayed. He asked his disciples to keep watch with Him. 2 times Jesus came back to find His disciples sleeping. Yet at the end of the day, Jesus was a comfort to his disciples. And He could be a comfort because He had an endless well of comfort given to Him. As a child of God, we can reach that stage where we can continuously draw comfort. That we may always be a comfort to everyone else. God gives us all the help and all the acceptance and all the friendship we will ever need.

My life is insignificant
As long as we remain faithful and do God's will, it doesn't matter what we get or don't get on earth. At the end of the day, we are all evaluated based on our faithfullness. Like Paul and his letters. It may have seemed a small act at that time. But the effect of it is lasting generations to come. So, as long as I am doing God's will for me on earth. Even though right now my kids may seem ruder than others. Even though I am not seeing places or experiencing new things. I have a peace because I know it is the place and the time that God has willed for me.

I am so glad I still cry. I listen to sermons and I still feel my heart move and tears fall down my cheek. I still feel the need to stand for an altar call. Just that day, while stilll struggling with everything in my heart, I heard this song by Don Moen 'I will Sing' from a CD I picked up to play in my car. And I started to cry and cry so much so I had to pull over. But today I hear the same song and I can sing it with an understanding and am reminded of God's peace.

So, I am very glad I still cry. In tears I begin to know God.


ABlogHopper said...

Just remember "一山比一山高" and "人比人比死人" so please count your blessings instead of feeling inadequate with what God has blessed you with.

Merryn said...

Dont feel inferior when ppl around you are achieving so much. The grass is always greener on the other side. Look at what we have, if you look deep enough, you'll know that what you have is way much more than others out there as you have a happy family :)

Hugs :)

Pat said...

Ann - I can identify with your feelings. With a bit of time and financial means, I find myself trying to do more and more stuff over the last few years. Lately, I began to question myself whether I have attached too much worth and self-identity to those pursuits.

The book "Man In The Mirror" by Patrick Morley also helps to remind me that our worth is only in God. And the song "Amazing Grace" never fails to remind as well "that He saved a wretch like me", unworthy and sinful.

Although I know these truths, it is an ongoing process to detach my sense of worth from so many earthly things. It needs daily reminders, daily reflection.

I pray that God will lift you up daily and show you what a wonderful child of His you are.

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