Thursday, April 14, 2016

I know God directed me

Right now, I feel like I am going through a valley. The road is steep and I feel like giving up. I also feel like I am going no where and I want to give up. If I make it to the top, I won't go looking for another hill to climb.

Then I stop. Take a deep breath and look around. I stop and look for God. I look and He always allows me to find Him.

It started out one Christmas. I don't remember much about it. I would most probably be about 14. I know my uncle who just came back from Australia was the one who invited us all to church. I don't remember if daddy and mummy came with us. I know I saw next to my aunt and my sister was on the other side of her. And then they sang this song "We are the reason". And as they sang and sang, tears started to come down my face. I remember being embarrassed. I wiped them up and tried to calm myself although the turmoil in my heart had not yet stopped. I coughed it up and controlled myself. I walked out of church that night feeling strange but the feeling stopped.

I was 18 the next time something happened. I was under a lot of criticism and scrutiny. I had just come out of a bad relationship and the other person had a whole bunch of supporters rooting for him. It made my getting out a lot harder. It made it hard even to make new friends. So, one afternoon during camp, I sat in the school toilet and one particular spot on the bench and pleaded to God. My prayer was for peace, and not to be bothered anymore about what other people said or thought or told me to do. But that I could find acceptance and love from Him instead. I looked up and through the only small window in the toilet, I saw a cross. At that particular angle where I sat and looked up, the cross from a church some 1 km away could be seen. And a feeling of peace washed through me from the top of my head to my toes. And the conflict in my heart just stopped.

My first incident left me crying. The second wiped them dry.

I didn't give my life to Christ even then. Although I did start going to church when I was 21. I was in Australia and my campus had a church gathering. I made some good friends. Life went on like normal. Little did I know though that even  then God was directing me.

The third incident which happened is one I can't remember how it happened but still thank God for it today. I was sent to New York for work when I was 27. I was there only for 8 weeks but after 2-3 weeks, I started to look for a church in Manhattan. I wonder why I didn't do any research on churches in Manhattan. But I didn't. I did make a friend though who brought me to their family church in China Town. But I didn't quite fit in. And then one day I wandered to Times Square and came upon Time Square Church. It said it was interdenominational which was caught my attention. And for the rest of the few Sundays I had, I went to TSC in NY. Even till today, when I feel down and out, or when I want food for my soul, I always go back to TSC site and there will always be a sermon for me.

And then when I was 28, I learned to speak in tongues.

And at 38, my Children Ministry leader left and I was asked to stand in the gap. Before she left, I already had felt God nudging me. He gave me a verse Isaiah 43:18-19. And I was so excited to have this new beginning start in my life.

But the life of a leader is not easy. I am naive to think that passion will see it through. So, today I really felt like I was walking through a valley. Walking that gap between the promise of Isaiah 43:18-19 and it's eventuality. But when I stopped and looked for God, He gave me a sermon from TSC. And He gave me a song 'Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord'.

And He restores me for His name sake. To put my hand to the ploy and bring glory to His name.

For Jesus walked through the wilderness and I will follow closely in His footsteps up to the top of the hill, proclaiming God's goodness and love. May my work for Him with the children be always about Him, always about them and never about me.